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dear dahlia, stop beating yourself up.

May 28, 2010

so this started, quite literally, as an email to myself.  it was more of a journal exercise because i had a rough week.  as i was writing i thought to myself, “this could be a blog entry, and i need to blog any way, so here it is.

On a daily basis i find myself evaluating every minute detail of my life and criticizing it.  The greatest enemy i have ever had is myself and i do believe i’m slowly attacking and killing myself with this behavior and it needs to stop.

i also feel like there is something seriously wrong with me, and as JC would say “girl, there are many things wrong with you”.  he also gives me the best advice ever.  “if this dude turns out to be the love of your life, this will be the boring part of the story.  it won’t even be worth talking about.  if he’s not, then it still will be the boring part of your story.  he’ll just be part of that nebulous  dating time between -m- and the next significant love you have.”  it’s true.  this is not that serious, but i let things get completely blown out of proportion and freak out, then i freak out the dudes, then the situation is fucked.    do i really want a relationship?  do i want a boyfriend?  i don’t know, honestly.

tonite is my last friday class, thank god.  it was one of the worst classes i’ve had so far and i’m wrapping this shit up.  i couldve done better but this is a learning process for myself as well.   that’s what i’m going to tell my students.  in the mean time, i need to realize how fucking awesome my life is, and it is this way because i’ve made it this way.  for fuckssake, i’m teaching college and my students think i’m only 24, not to mention the fact that i just finished a bad ass dance performance, i’m training with a truly empowering group of women at StripXpertease, and i have so many friends and family members who love me to pieces.  why am i freaking out?  well, i’ll keep working on it.

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