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living life to the foolist….

October 27, 2009
brokenheart

'Broken Heart' by Starry Eyed Kid

it’s pretty obvious that i have some relationship issues.  i mean, we all do, there is nothing special or remarkable about mine…except for the fact that i am a woman.

women are socially conditioned to nurture, please, and put everyone else before themselves.  this is why some of us feel tremendous amounts of guilt for things as small as sending back food at a restaurant or buying ourselves a new pair of pants.  my roommate and i had this discussion a few weeks ago.  shopping for clothing is a traumatic experience that haunts and taunts us.  what the hell is wrong with us?

so in my most recent romantic escapade i tried to stay as present and aware of my own feelings and not put his feelings before mine… and i think i succeeded.  but it was so emotional for me–even though i KNEW the situation was bad, i threw myself into it.  and while i was tormented, stressed, and sad most of the time, he was happy as a clam.  and i wasn’t the one with a monogamous partner overseas!  i’m free as a bird-no boyfriend, partner, etc yet I was worried???  this is saying something, folks…he was calm, smooth and collected despite the fact that he was kind of dating me, yet has a monogamous partner…HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? 

he and i were walking around the city (something we did on several occasions for hours on end) and we were talking about how great it is to be in our twenties.  i mentioned that one of the old male professors  i work with lectures me almost every day on living life to the fullest–and my romantic interest said, “yep, that what we’re doing.  living life to the fullest–or foolist…”

who’s  the fool?

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