i obviously have some pretty gnarly emotions since i’m not a robot (contrary to what others may think), but there are times where i am just so incredibly sad or angry or happy and can’t seem to get emotions out, particularly the sad and angry. now as i’ve talked about before, anger is a precarious emotion for women to deal with because it is not ladylike. so i have all of these fucking emotions clogging up useful brain space and they just won’t come out. but today, finally, i was able to cry.
my dog triskit got into some food she wasn’t supposed to last night and it pissed me off. she gets sick so easily, and i knew i’d be cleaning up and worrying about her all night, once again losing an entire night’s sleep (which is exactly what happened). then i had a LONG day walking around the city and did not particularly enjoy that, a pseudo-date was canceled (not a huge loss, but annoying), and triskit is still sick-ish. i came home and just started crying. i cried about this, that, and everything else. my eyes got puffy, i turned bright red and got very sleepy. FINALLY! it’s like i was emotionally constipated (forgive the rather crude simile).
so that was about 10 minutes ago…let’s see if i feel any better. here’s another emotionally constipated woman. i like her coping techniques…
shoot thems pigeons!
size matters? of course it does. now, i do not have the highest self-esteem in the world, but i do get compliments about my physical appearance on occasion. one of my ex boyfriends once compared me to boticelli’s birth of venus many years ago, and recently someone else compared me to the curvy beauties from many centuries ago. when i shared this information with another male friend his response was “did he just call you rubenesque?” and i paused…and for the first time took what was meant as a compliment to mean that i am fat. fucking, fucking, motherfucking patriarchy.
granted, this male friend who made the ‘rubenesque’ comment meant no harm in it…at least i don’t think he did, but it did get me thinking how much a woman’s archetypal body has changed. i’m watching the show ‘mad men’ right now and the most beautiful character, in my opinion, is a very curvy woman named joan (christina hendricks). she is absolutely stunning and sexy. i know it is obvious to say that beauty standards are in constant flux, but the size issue is particularly troubling when it comes to women. there are several theorists and feminist writers who see a correlation between women’s physical appearance and figures shrinking as their (women’s) civil rights increase. the same can be said for men’s guns getting larger and larger as women become (ever so slightly) more powerful. (*see Jackson Katz’s phenomenal film tough guise) 
so i started looking at my own curves in the mirror and instead of being horrified and annoyed (my normal response), i really looked at it and you know what? i have a nice figure for fuckssake! i like my curves. none of this “i SHOULD” tighten, tone, lose, etc. for what? now, if i continue my dance and stretch regimine as i’d like, this may happen naturally. but there is no reason i should feel like there is something wrong with me just because i have curves because, after all, real women have curves.
so yes, i finally updated the ‘look’ of my blog. see the banner up there, oh yeah–i made that. that’s actually a picture I took. what what? hollah!!!
okay, so it’s not THAT big of a deal since the page was already coded, but still! i’m obviously still tinkering with it. i added my favorite websites (webcomics, webshows, other blogs), though i haven’t sorted them yet. i’m going to wait until i actually have at least 15 before i conquer that. oh, if any of you have a blog or website, i would be happy to list it here, just shoot me an email or message with your web address.
also, if any of you have questions or comments please leave them–i seem to be getting a lot of traffic surrounding the topic of williamsburg and the wburg bridge, so i should probably try and visit that topic again. however, i am going to try to focus most of my blogs on feminism and everyday life, so we’ll see if i can stay on topic there…
I got to 2,000 much faster than i expected…okay, okay, gimme a day and i’ll get my shit together. in the meantime…
so i’ve decided to do something special once my blog gets to 2000 hits. i’m definitely going to change the theme, then i’m going to do something i’ve never done before…what will it be? who knows!!! actually, i know what i’ll probably do, but i’m going to keep it a secret.
so! keep visiting my website so i get a chance to shake shit up!
though nothing can bring back the hour
of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower
we will grieve not, rather find
strength in what remains behind -william wordsworth
The film ‘splendor in the grass‘ has long been a favorite of mine, since i was too young to even know what the film was about. but watching it tonight set off several bells and whistles in my feminist brain. taking place in 1928, it is the story of two teenagers in love and, unfortunately, in a sexually repressive environment. the main character, deanie, has ‘feeling’s’ for her boyfriend bud. when deanie asks her mother if it is normal to have those feelings, her mother says ‘no’, that women don’t feel the way men do about sex (though that word is NEVER uttered). bud’s father, on the other hand, explains that a ‘girl like deanie’ can get a boy like bud into trouble; if ‘anything happened’, bud would have to marry her. again, pregnancy, sex, etc are not mentioned at all. bud’s father explains, more or less, that there are women you fuck and women you marry; and never the twain shall meet.
suffice it to say, both teenagers go through a mental breakdown, though deanie’s is considered more drastic since she attempts suicide because bud rejects her for being a ‘nice girl’, i.e. a girl you marry, not a girl you fuck.
i am fascinated by stories where women have complete and total mental breaks that cause them to either reevaluate their lives or die…nice options, huh?
i think this film is very relevant to women’s studies and the history course i teach. if only i had more time to show films that historically put into context what men and women were going through. damn.
funny...my paternal grandfather was a bricklayer...
just finished a rather productive phone conversation with my formerly-estranged father. i think it is a good idea that i am bridging the gap between us, but i still have major issues about it, naturally. for example, those words came out of his mouth during our conversation, “honey, you’re just like your dad”. I wanted to scream, “I am not! fuck you!” but resisted the temptation and just shook my head. sigh. as a wise friend would tell me, “he means well”, but how long can one ignore the fact that he knows NOTHING about me or my life but pretends to know everything? i hate it when people talk to you like they know you, who you are, where you came from, then give you advice like they are this all-knowing sage. i fucking hate that shit.
and this whole “he means well”…a pedophile means well and thinks they’re loving children as opposed to abusing them. a parent thinks she means well when she beats the shit out of her 5 year old for spilling paint on the carpet, a misogynist thinks he means well when he tells a fellow faculty member she shouldn’t be proud of her chosen profession…just smile pretty for the cameras. okay, okay–i know these are not totally related subjects, but my god, if i hear one more person use “he means well” as an excuse for bad behavior, i’m going to shit a brick.
almost 3 years ago, i went over to my friend colin’s house for dinner. the man is an excellent chef and has great taste, but i was quite picky back then. he was making tofu, red onion and red bell pepper pizza. #1-i hate onions; #2-wasn’t a fan of red bell pepper either. however, the way the two were sauteed together made a most glorious taste explosion in my mouth.
since that fateful evening, i have been absolutely in love with red bell pepper. I even occasionally give green bell pepper a chance. just yesterday i read the awesome nutritional benefits of red bell pepper, as if i wasn’t hooked already.
funny…i just remembered that that evening i told colin, who lived in nyc for a few years, that i myself wanted to move to brooklyn. he encouraged this decision, and it was only 5 or 6 months after this that i moved here. interesting.
anyhow, thanks for the introduction to red bell pepper colin–and for not making fun of me when i said i wanted to move here.
do you ever have those days where it seems like you’re pissing off everyone in your life? that’s how this weekend was for me. i was just kind of a cranky and impatient bastard and ended up alienating some friends and that really isn’t okay. i apologized of course. there were certainly transgressions on their end, but my reactions were a little over the top. it’s not like i threw a shit fit or anything…in fact, i’m not even sure what i did wrong to upset them so much…this made me think of my dad.
my dad has alienated almost everyone in his life, and a few months ago he admitted it. i believe hell froze over that day. i don’t have the best relationship with him but i am making an effort regardless of how his actions make me feel because, alas, he is my father. but i’m always afraid that one day i’ll wake up and be just like him, or worse.
so i’ve seen several celebrities since my move to nyc. here is a list, thus far…and i’m pretty sure i’m forgetting some…
1. Kristin Schaal – September 08
2. Jeff Goldblum – April 09
3. Susan Sarrandon – August 09
4. Josh Hartnett – December 09
5. Mike Myers – January 10
